Shiny eyes

I read this article  today about how parents of white children should start talking to their children differently about race and racism.   But, the interesting thing about the article is that it didn't given any real suggestions as to how to have these conversations, or what to say.  The article stated that most non-white families start talking to their kids about race when they are about 3, the average for white families is 13.  But the article also states that ALL kids start noticing racial differences around 3 or 4 but most white children are told, when inquiring about race that "we are all the same inside".  Which, it turns out, is not such a great answer.

I have a memory from when I was about 10 or 11 years old and we went on a family trip to the Virgin Islands with another family.   The other kids and I became friendly with the bartender from the bar on the beach and he would make us wonderful virgin cocktails and give us presents of beautiful conch shells.   I remember that his skin was the darkest brown of anyone I had ever met, and it fascinated me. One day, when he was serving us our "cocktails", I noticed that the insides of his hands were extremely pale compared to the rest of his skin, with a pink undertone that wasn't so different than my own skin.
So, I innocently asked him, "Why is the inside of your hand so white?"   He smiled at me but before he could answer I was pulled away by one of my parents and told,  "You don't ask questions like that!"

Why not?

I wasn't being racist, or mean, I just wanted to know.   Then I felt embarrassed and ashamed and never, ever asked a question about racial differences again.   Ever.

In biology class, many years later, I had a satisfying moment when I was learning about pigment and melanin and my question was finally answered.   Because, in truth, I still wanted to know.

The shame of this question lived with me for a long time.   I also always wanted to know, for example, why Asians had no eyelids.   But, even after I married an Asian, I was too ashamed to ask him this question.  Then a few years back, before the world had easy access to google, my father-in-law, the chronic professor, who likes to give academic lectures even when not in the classroom, offered the answer without me ever having to ask a thing.   One day at dinner he just sat back and explained that Asians have extra fat in their upper eyelids to protect their eyes from the harsh cold of the Mongolian climate that was the place of origin for most Asians.  Seriously?  I quickly looked at my husband's eyes and saw them in a new light.  He didn't LACK eyelids.   He had more eyelid! with extra fat!   Fascinating.  ( Please don't share this fact with any skinny, Asian models, they might try to come up with a new, eyelid diet :))

I remember when my kids were little, sometimes their friends would ask questions of a racial nature.  One of my personal favorites was when the son of a friend asked why my daughter (who was about three at the time) had Chinese eyes when I didn't.    He was satisfied when I explained that her father was Asian/Korean-American(not Chinese) and that she had his eyes.   He was five and he didn't need to know more.   Later my daughter asked why he thought she had "shiny" eyes.   She had misunderstood him.   For the longest time after that I would hear her tell people that she had "shiny" eyes and that she had gotten them from her father.   How cute is that?

I haven't even mentioned the two most important things about this story.  The first is that I was not mad at the boy's question.  It was a natural observation and he was curious.  There is nothing wrong with that.   The other thing was that the mother of the boy was SOOOO embarrassed at the question and shamed him in much the same way that I was shamed with the hand question.  Her embarrassment made everyone in the room feel more awkward than his question had.   He never asked another question about race again in our presence. It is possible he didn't have any, but if he did, would he have felt comfortable asking?   There is a happy ending though.   This boy is in college now and has an Asian girlfriend, so he must be a fan of "shiny" eyes.

You know, like the author of the article I mentioned above, I don't know how white parents should talk to white children about race and racism.   But, here's what I do know, many, many years ago, when a small island boy looked at his hands and observed that one side of his hand was a different color, he probably asked his mother or father "Why is this?" and I'm most confident that the answer was not "We don't ask questions like that!"

Note:  It is not my intention to be critical of my parents or my friend for their behavior in these situations.   At the time, they really believed they were doing the right thing for all parties involved.   Like all parents they were simply "doing their best".

Rice

When I was growing up we always buttered our rice (usually Uncle Ben's or Minute Rice).

When I met my husband, an avid rice eater, he taught me that Asians do not butter their rice (and never eat Uncle Ben's or Minute Rice).  In fact, such a thing is considered sacrilege, so I have spent the last 20+ years of my life eating my white rice unbuttered.   It's healthier and I've gotten used to it.

However, I must admit to the occasional cheat.   Sometimes, when we are having a non-Asian meal, such as pork chops or chicken, I sneak a little pad of butter* onto my rice.   My family has always looked at me like I am a circus freak when I do this.  "Butter on rice?  How strange.  Why would you do that?"

Then they all watch me eat it, heads cocked in curiousity, as if I am a cannibal eating a finger.  "How interesting.  She seems to like it."

Recently, my oldest daughter has discovered that she kind of likes butter* on rice from time to time too.  I mean, let's face it, anything acting as a butter delivery system can't be all bad.   My husband was not happy with this development and I could almost hear her Asian ancestors rolling over in their graves at the sight.

But, it made me wonder.

I have spent the last 22 years of my life coupled with an Asian man, adopting some Asian culinary ways.  I can honestly say that I no longer know if any families, white or otherwise, still butter their rice.   And perhaps, my family was the only family in American that buttered their rice in the 70s?  Do other people remember buttering their rice?   Were we an anomaly?  

Please discuss.

*butter in our house is not usually actual butter but Olivio a healthier, non-dairy alternative because the Asians in my house don't process dairy very well.  So, saying we "butter" our rice is not entirely accurate but sounds infinitely better than we "Olivio" our rice.

Is Imitation really flattering?

Yesterday on the news they were talking about the Superbowl commercials that would air this weekend.   The newest Volkswagen ad is causing a bit of controversy.   Apparently,  the ad has a white male in a business office setting talking in a Jamaican accent.   There is some discussion about whether or not the ad is racist.    NBC did an on-line poll and the overwhelming response was "no", it was not racist.    But, it was pointed out that all the people in the commercial/office were white, and a few people did point out this fact.

We have had discussions in our house about whether imitating accents is racist or not.   I think we all agree that there are certain instances when someone is intentionally doing it to mock others, and that is never okay.    But, what about when it is done just for fun?

No one blinks an eye when someone imitates a British accent, at least in the United States, it might be a different case in other places in the world.   So, why is it not okay to imitate an Indian, Chinese, or Jamaican accent?   If the Superbowl commercial had a guy walking around talking in a British accent, would anyone even comment?   And, the follow up question, in that case, would anyone notice that there were no black people in the commercial?

One of my daughter's loves to walk around the house imitating all sorts of accents.   Yet, she is the first one to condemn others for doing the same in school.   For the most part, there is a distinction.   She is imitating almost as a form of flattery.  She likes the way certain accents sound.   Others do it, particularly at school, to poke fun at certain ethnic groups.  But, do her good intentions make her behavior okay, while it's not okay for others?

And, is there a difference between imitating, say, a British accent, and imitating one associated with a certain ethnicity?

Any thoughts?  Discuss.

Forever Tainted

I remember as a child someone once explained the breeding of pure-bred dogs to me.
I was told that if a pure-bred dog gave birth to a litter of mutts, she could never give birth to a litter of pure-bred pups again.  Somehow, this bitch had made herself "dirty".    I can still remember pondering this as a child.  I had some knowledge of the birds and the bees, but it was still incomplete.   I actually thought that every time two dogs bred that some part of the male was forever left in the female, and that piece would somehow be a part of every future litter.

As a teenager, I had a epiphany while sitting in health class one day that this information that I had held in my head for so long was total BS.   If a poodle and a schnauzer mated they would have adorable schnoodle pups.  But, that poodle could absolutely have pure-bred poodles again.    They just wouldn't be recognized as such by the AKC because, as I said before, the bitch was dirty.   What foolishness!   I was so happy to be enlightened!

When I married an Asian man it was not lost on me that I would give birth to mutts one day.  In fact, I loved the idea.   My best friend from childhood will tell you that I always had a fondness for Asian babies and the way their jet black hair would stick straight up.    When I was pregnant with my first child, I confided in her that I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl but I really wanted the baby to have "Asian baby hair".   And wow! did my wish come true!  DD1 was born with a thick mop of hair and for the first few months of her life we affectionately called her "Don King" because it grew up so straight.    

DD1 at 2 months

Don King

For what it's worth, DD2 was born with the same delightful shock of black hair.

When both my kids were still really young I was at the park with a friend one day.   She was in a philosophical mood and asked me, "Isn't it strange to think that if something happened to your DH, and you married a different guy, a blond guy, that you could have children that looked completely different than DD1 and DD2?"   This question completely stumped me.   And, the answer was that no, I could never imagine having and loving children that looked different than the ones I already had.  

Now, I'm sure this is true for all mothers whether their children are half-Asian, red-headed, tow-headed or purple with green dots.   You love your children, and it is impossible to imagine loving "other" children that don't even exist, especially ones that look radically different than the ones you already have.   I get this.  

But, it also makes me think back to the dogs, the pure breds and the mutts.   A dog that had a litter with another breed was forever "tainted".    I finally understand the inherent truth here.    It's not something you ever get rid of.   It's the secret of the dirty bitch.

Dear Smart Non-Asian Kid (SNAK),

Dear Smart Non-Asian Kid (SNAK) in DD2's math class,

I don't know much about you.   I am assuming you are smart because my daughter told me that you received a 100% on your recent algebra test.  I am also guessing you are not Asian, because of what I have heard about you.  So, if you don't mind I will just call you SNAK.

SNAK, I think you should be really proud of yourself for getting a 100% on that test.  From what I hear, it was not an easy test, so getting a perfect score was quite a feat.   As you know, my daughter received a 95% on that test.    She studied and worked really hard to get that grade.   She did not, however, appreciate it when you bragged to some classmates that you "did better than the Asian kid".

SNAK, I'm guessing you are a kid who has some potential so I want to tell you something.   Being Asian doesn't mean you are automatically smart.  No one, of any race, is born understanding algebra.  Now, I will concede that it comes easier to some than others, but everyone has to take the time to learn it.    When you said, that you "did better than the Asian kid", you did a disservice to both yourself and my daughter.    I am guessing that you were driven to do well on that test.   I am guessing that you studied hard, put down the video controller, and figured out all your x's and y's.   You didn't do well on that test because of your ethnicity, and neither did she.     She is a kid with goals, and doing her homework is important to her, she has places she wants to go in this world, and she works hard to achieve her goals.   I'm guessing you do too.   So, let's stop the racial remarks, it's demeaning to you both.

So SNAK, next time you do better than my daughter on a math test (like that is going to ever happen now that you have gotten her ire up), try saying, "Wow!  I did better than DD2 and she works really hard."   or even better, try saying, "Wow!  I got a 100% on my math test!  I studied so hard for this test!  That is freaking awesome!  I am freaking awesome!"

SNAK, what I am trying to say is that I have faith in you.  Let's bring it up a notch.  Okay?

Thank you.

My Asian Yankee

My younger daughter is no shrinking violet.    She feels strongly about things and lets people know it.  This is my kid who, when she was in 2nd or 3rd grade, proudly wore a Yankees jacket onto a school bus in diehard Red Sox country, when the Yankees and Red Sox were in the playoffs together.   She didn't even care that the kids on the bus were boo-ing her.   It made her that much prouder to be a Yankees fan.   I love this about her.

About once a week she comes home from school and tells me about some racial incident that happened at school, to her or someone else, that I should put in my Honorasian blog.   Most of the incidents are so small that I consider them not to be blogworthy.    Recently she asked me if she could write her own blog post, since I was so unwilling to do it.      So, this week Honorasian, has it's first guest blogger.   I did not edit it at all, so please forgive my 13 year old's grammar and spelling errors and her general contempt for 13 year old boys.  So, without further ado, here it is:

"Hello. You people may know me as DD2 or something like that. Being an asian girl in middle school can be very frustrating sometimes. I’m here to tell you guys what racism is like through a 13 year-old girls eyes. Middle school boys are known to be extremely ignorant and unaware of the delicate feelings of girls. Sure, there’s a couple boys that are nice but sometimes I wonder what happened to gentlemen. I could go on and on about individual times where I wished I could explode in peoples faces for making fun of Asians RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. But, I’m just gonna tell you what it’s like. Imagine sitting in class next to a couple of your fellow goody-to shoe friends just trying to listen to the teacher talk. The boys sitting behind you are joking around and not being quiet after the teacher has shushed them twice. The only thing you can hear is the boys talking about football and such (things that I gag at). But, suddenly, you hear them talking in an Asian accent, saying they like to eat rice and fish, making their eyes look slanted, and pretending to be a tiger parent. It’s times like this where I wish I blended in. I don’t resent my heritage but sometimes it’s hard to be different. I’m not saying that I feel like they were making fun of me, but they didn’t even think to LOOK RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM  and see that an Asian girl is sitting right there."

So there you have it.   

Accept the Gift

The holidays are upon us again and that is always an extremely difficult time for acceptance, religious and personal.   Here are some of my thoughts on how to deal with some of the most "stressful" holiday dilemmas:

"Can I say "Merry Christmas!"?"
The truth is that I think most people are not adverse to good cheer.   But, there is a distinct difference between "Merry Christmas!" and "Merry Christmas dammit!"   You know what I mean.   We all know the difference between pure holiday exuberance and shoving one's ideologies down another's throat.  It's hard to begrudge the former, but the latter, well...........

"Can I send my non-Christian friends Christmas cards?"  
There are people who love holiday cards, and people who hate them.   It has little to do with religion.   I bet that if you write a personal note inside your card to a non-Christian friend that says something like, "I really miss you and I think of you every December, I remember when we were in college, and we were stuck at the Detroit airport during a snowstorm, and we went to a bar in another terminal with that cute guy from Houston and almost missed our flight...hahaha..." you might bring a smile to an old friend's face, and the Cross on the front of your card?   It's not gonna matter so much.

"Every year my sweet elderly neighbor brings me a fruitcake at Christmas time.  I hate fruitcake.  Should I tell her this?"
No.

"Can I buy my non-Christian friend a Christmas present?"   
Of course!  But, I would not recommend a nativity scene or a Santa sweater.  Remember that recent conversation you had with her on the phone?  The one where she mentioned her son had accidentally broke her ceramic sugar bowl, and how sad she was?  Need I say more?

"My friend says she is allergic to chocolate, but I don't believe her, should I buy her a box of chocolates for Christmas and show her that I know she is lying?"
No.

"Can I go to a friend's house and be part of a religious celebration that it not my own?"
Your friend invited you to their house to join in the celebration of one of their most sacred days?  Wow.   She must think a lot of you to include you in this, you are a valued and trusted friend.   They must believe that you are a person who respects other's traditions, and doesn't mock the beliefs of others.  This is the highest compliment.  Go.

"My sister hates the color green, but I just love it.  I saw this beautiful green sweater.   I think she would like it as much as I do.  Should I get it for her?"
No.

It's not really about religion.   It's about acceptance of the people in your life.   It's about accepting different beliefs, values, and personal preferences.

It's also about accepting fruitcake.