I expect the same will be true for me.
The articles that aren't about grief, tend to be about parting words for your child. Apparently, it is an important time to impart significant words of wisdom because "studies have shown" that this is THE moment when your child is still a teenager when he or she will actually listen to you. They will be looking for advice. I must say this is pretty intimidating. For the past few years I have become accustomed to my words falling on deaf ears. No one hears when I ask for the dishes to go in the dishwasher, or laundry to be started, or homework to be done. And suddenly, when we are parting ways, the ears come back on?!?!
Interesting.
I know I won't be thinking right when I drop her off so I've been thinking a lot about what I want to say. I've come up with a list of pretty silly things like,
1. Do your laundry. You don't' want to live in a room that smells like dirty socks.
2. Do your homework. College is harder than high school, you don't want to fall behind.
3. Don't eat soft serve ice-cream at every meal. The freshman fifteen is real.
4. Don't spend too much time on your computer/iphone
5. Try some new activities.
6. Make some new friends.
The list goes on. The thing is that she knows all these things already. Will she abide? I don't know. That is up to her.
But, there is one thing that keeps coming to mind that I'm not sure our kids do know, that I think is pretty universal.
This is what we want for you.
On move in day I might be a mess. Okay. I will be a mess. I will probably embarrass you because I will cry so much. I will make your bed with tender loving care and smooth the sheets just like I did with your crib before I even had you. I will hug you too tight and probably leave snot on your shoulder. I'm sorry about that.
But even if you look out the window and see my shoulders shaking with sobs as I leave, please know that THIS is what I want for you.
If you ask any parent of a special needs child that is on a different track in life, or the parent of a child who is the victim of their own bad choices, they will probably tell you that they wish with all their heart that they were dropping off their kid at a college campus, or at an apartment for a job/internship. They will tell you that a promising future, independence, and a happy/healthy child is what they wish for every day. It's really all any parent wants. At the end of the day it is important for us to know that you will be okay, frankly and quite morbidly, without us.
It's what we've been "training" you for for the past eighteen years.
In the past eighteen years you have learned to walk, talk, feed yourself, tie your shoes, swim, ride a bike, possibly drive, cook (well, that's debatable), and even do calculus!
As you learned each and every one of these skills it took you one step closer to being able to survive on your own. And that made us extremely proud.
It's what we want for you.
It really is.
That doesn't mean we are happy about it.
However, "It's what we want for you" isn't exactly parting advice. No worries though, there is advice that naturally goes along with this sentiment and it is really quite simple.
Fly.
We will be sad. We will sit in our "minus one" nest and mourn your departure. That's okay.
We just ask one thing of you.
Fly.
It's time to spread your wings, let the wind take you where you are meant to go. It's okay if you stumble a little and fall to the ground or rest on a branch. We get that. Not everyone catches wind on the first try. Even a mother bird has to drag a banged up/bruised baby bird back to the nest sometimes.
And you know what she does? She gives him some worms, let's him rest, and then she makes him try again. It's his time to go.
I don't know if birds are capable of feeling sadness or pride, but if they could I imagine that there is a moment of great pride when a mama bird finally sees her baby bird spread his wings and fly off into the sunset…... or sunrise…….or mid-day sun. (I don't really know what time of day birds leave their nest). Then the mama bird turns around and sees her empty nest. Sadness sets in. Then time goes by and he doesn't return home looking for worms, or with a broken wing that needs to be fixed, and then off in the distance she hears a "tweet" that lets her know he is okay. She can finally rest. And, yeah, she is a little bit happy because she no longer has to share her worms :)
But enough of the bird analogy.
We will drop you off at college in a few days and we will be a mess. You MIGHT even feel bad as we say our goodbyes. You MIGHT feel guilty for the you-sized hole you are leaving in our hearts and home. I guess if I'm being honest a small part of me does hope you feel bad. But an even bigger part of me wants you to go happily running off with new friends to a new life, without looking back. Go off into the sunset…..or sunrise….or mid-day sun (I don't know what time we will get around to leaving campus). We will find our way home and we will be okay. And once we get that "tweet" that all is okay we will rest knowing that our job is done.
It's what we want for you.
Fly.
