Shiny eyes

I read this article  today about how parents of white children should start talking to their children differently about race and racism.   But, the interesting thing about the article is that it didn't given any real suggestions as to how to have these conversations, or what to say.  The article stated that most non-white families start talking to their kids about race when they are about 3, the average for white families is 13.  But the article also states that ALL kids start noticing racial differences around 3 or 4 but most white children are told, when inquiring about race that "we are all the same inside".  Which, it turns out, is not such a great answer.

I have a memory from when I was about 10 or 11 years old and we went on a family trip to the Virgin Islands with another family.   The other kids and I became friendly with the bartender from the bar on the beach and he would make us wonderful virgin cocktails and give us presents of beautiful conch shells.   I remember that his skin was the darkest brown of anyone I had ever met, and it fascinated me. One day, when he was serving us our "cocktails", I noticed that the insides of his hands were extremely pale compared to the rest of his skin, with a pink undertone that wasn't so different than my own skin.
So, I innocently asked him, "Why is the inside of your hand so white?"   He smiled at me but before he could answer I was pulled away by one of my parents and told,  "You don't ask questions like that!"

Why not?

I wasn't being racist, or mean, I just wanted to know.   Then I felt embarrassed and ashamed and never, ever asked a question about racial differences again.   Ever.

In biology class, many years later, I had a satisfying moment when I was learning about pigment and melanin and my question was finally answered.   Because, in truth, I still wanted to know.

The shame of this question lived with me for a long time.   I also always wanted to know, for example, why Asians had no eyelids.   But, even after I married an Asian, I was too ashamed to ask him this question.  Then a few years back, before the world had easy access to google, my father-in-law, the chronic professor, who likes to give academic lectures even when not in the classroom, offered the answer without me ever having to ask a thing.   One day at dinner he just sat back and explained that Asians have extra fat in their upper eyelids to protect their eyes from the harsh cold of the Mongolian climate that was the place of origin for most Asians.  Seriously?  I quickly looked at my husband's eyes and saw them in a new light.  He didn't LACK eyelids.   He had more eyelid! with extra fat!   Fascinating.  ( Please don't share this fact with any skinny, Asian models, they might try to come up with a new, eyelid diet :))

I remember when my kids were little, sometimes their friends would ask questions of a racial nature.  One of my personal favorites was when the son of a friend asked why my daughter (who was about three at the time) had Chinese eyes when I didn't.    He was satisfied when I explained that her father was Asian/Korean-American(not Chinese) and that she had his eyes.   He was five and he didn't need to know more.   Later my daughter asked why he thought she had "shiny" eyes.   She had misunderstood him.   For the longest time after that I would hear her tell people that she had "shiny" eyes and that she had gotten them from her father.   How cute is that?

I haven't even mentioned the two most important things about this story.  The first is that I was not mad at the boy's question.  It was a natural observation and he was curious.  There is nothing wrong with that.   The other thing was that the mother of the boy was SOOOO embarrassed at the question and shamed him in much the same way that I was shamed with the hand question.  Her embarrassment made everyone in the room feel more awkward than his question had.   He never asked another question about race again in our presence. It is possible he didn't have any, but if he did, would he have felt comfortable asking?   There is a happy ending though.   This boy is in college now and has an Asian girlfriend, so he must be a fan of "shiny" eyes.

You know, like the author of the article I mentioned above, I don't know how white parents should talk to white children about race and racism.   But, here's what I do know, many, many years ago, when a small island boy looked at his hands and observed that one side of his hand was a different color, he probably asked his mother or father "Why is this?" and I'm most confident that the answer was not "We don't ask questions like that!"

Note:  It is not my intention to be critical of my parents or my friend for their behavior in these situations.   At the time, they really believed they were doing the right thing for all parties involved.   Like all parents they were simply "doing their best".