Shiny eyes

I read this article  today about how parents of white children should start talking to their children differently about race and racism.   But, the interesting thing about the article is that it didn't given any real suggestions as to how to have these conversations, or what to say.  The article stated that most non-white families start talking to their kids about race when they are about 3, the average for white families is 13.  But the article also states that ALL kids start noticing racial differences around 3 or 4 but most white children are told, when inquiring about race that "we are all the same inside".  Which, it turns out, is not such a great answer.

I have a memory from when I was about 10 or 11 years old and we went on a family trip to the Virgin Islands with another family.   The other kids and I became friendly with the bartender from the bar on the beach and he would make us wonderful virgin cocktails and give us presents of beautiful conch shells.   I remember that his skin was the darkest brown of anyone I had ever met, and it fascinated me. One day, when he was serving us our "cocktails", I noticed that the insides of his hands were extremely pale compared to the rest of his skin, with a pink undertone that wasn't so different than my own skin.
So, I innocently asked him, "Why is the inside of your hand so white?"   He smiled at me but before he could answer I was pulled away by one of my parents and told,  "You don't ask questions like that!"

Why not?

I wasn't being racist, or mean, I just wanted to know.   Then I felt embarrassed and ashamed and never, ever asked a question about racial differences again.   Ever.

In biology class, many years later, I had a satisfying moment when I was learning about pigment and melanin and my question was finally answered.   Because, in truth, I still wanted to know.

The shame of this question lived with me for a long time.   I also always wanted to know, for example, why Asians had no eyelids.   But, even after I married an Asian, I was too ashamed to ask him this question.  Then a few years back, before the world had easy access to google, my father-in-law, the chronic professor, who likes to give academic lectures even when not in the classroom, offered the answer without me ever having to ask a thing.   One day at dinner he just sat back and explained that Asians have extra fat in their upper eyelids to protect their eyes from the harsh cold of the Mongolian climate that was the place of origin for most Asians.  Seriously?  I quickly looked at my husband's eyes and saw them in a new light.  He didn't LACK eyelids.   He had more eyelid! with extra fat!   Fascinating.  ( Please don't share this fact with any skinny, Asian models, they might try to come up with a new, eyelid diet :))

I remember when my kids were little, sometimes their friends would ask questions of a racial nature.  One of my personal favorites was when the son of a friend asked why my daughter (who was about three at the time) had Chinese eyes when I didn't.    He was satisfied when I explained that her father was Asian/Korean-American(not Chinese) and that she had his eyes.   He was five and he didn't need to know more.   Later my daughter asked why he thought she had "shiny" eyes.   She had misunderstood him.   For the longest time after that I would hear her tell people that she had "shiny" eyes and that she had gotten them from her father.   How cute is that?

I haven't even mentioned the two most important things about this story.  The first is that I was not mad at the boy's question.  It was a natural observation and he was curious.  There is nothing wrong with that.   The other thing was that the mother of the boy was SOOOO embarrassed at the question and shamed him in much the same way that I was shamed with the hand question.  Her embarrassment made everyone in the room feel more awkward than his question had.   He never asked another question about race again in our presence. It is possible he didn't have any, but if he did, would he have felt comfortable asking?   There is a happy ending though.   This boy is in college now and has an Asian girlfriend, so he must be a fan of "shiny" eyes.

You know, like the author of the article I mentioned above, I don't know how white parents should talk to white children about race and racism.   But, here's what I do know, many, many years ago, when a small island boy looked at his hands and observed that one side of his hand was a different color, he probably asked his mother or father "Why is this?" and I'm most confident that the answer was not "We don't ask questions like that!"

Note:  It is not my intention to be critical of my parents or my friend for their behavior in these situations.   At the time, they really believed they were doing the right thing for all parties involved.   Like all parents they were simply "doing their best".

Who's a Jew? Are you?

Tonight is the beginning of Yom Kippur, which is a day of atonement for the Jews.   Those who practice the faith will fast and ask for forgiveness for their sins.

I will be eating plenty, maybe even bacon (gasp!) and might even commit a sin or two.

But, here is my secret identity:   I am half-Jewish.

So, what does that mean?

I have been trying to figure that out my whole life.

My kids are half Korean and this is obvious to the whole world.   They can't deny it.

My brother is half Jewish too (duh!) and he has blond hair and blue eyes.    He fits right into his adopted Scandinavian homeland.   His heritage doesn't make him stand out in any way.

Judaism is a religion, so how can you be half?   I don't think I have ever met a person who called themselves "half-Catholic" or "half-Muslim", so how can you be half-Jewish?   I have met many, many people who call themselves just that.    Is it a race or a religion?

I suppose they talk about the Jewish identity in Temple, but I wouldn't know, because I don't go to Temple.   Are you allowed to call yourself Jewish if you don't go to Temple?

I know people who grew up Christian, married someone Jewish, and converted.   Now they celebrate the Jewish holidays, study the Torah, and have banished the Christmas tree from their homes.   They are considered, by some standards, to be Jewish.

I am married to an Asian.   I can cook a mean Kimchi Jiggae.   I have celebrated Chusuk and the Lunar New Year.    I have worn a Hanbok.    But no one would ever consider me Asian.  "Honorasian" is the best I will ever do.

                                       


I suppose it would be easier if all Jews came from one place, like Israel.   Then, I could say I was half-Israeli.   It would separate the "people" from the religion.  However, my family came from Hungary and Austria, so it would also be a lie.  

I grew up with a Jewish grandmother (although she was, strangely, kind of anti-Semitic), and a Jewish mother.   I love bagels, lox, gefilte fish, matzoh, matzoh ball soup, latkes and noodle kugel.   I have celebrated Chanukkah and Passover. I utter familiar yiddish phrases like "Oy!" and "Vey!"    Do I qualify?

I can't read Hebrew.   I never had a Bat Mitzvah (although I do know the difference between a Bat Mitzvah and a Bar Mitzvah).    I never went to Temple as a child.    Do I fail?

My kids cannot deny their Asian heritage, they cannot hide it,  but I can.   I can choose to be one of the Chosen.   If race cannot be seen, is it still there?

I know that in my heart, I feel Jewish.   It is somewhere deep inside me, there is a connection that cannot be denied, a sense of cultural and culinary, if not religious, belonging.    So, I will call myself a Jew and if that is a sin, I am sorry.

Have a wonderful Yom Kippur!

Who said what?

Funny or offensive? 

Would it be funny if it was a gift from one Asian to another?

Would it be funny if it was a gift from a white person to an Asian friend?

What if they were selling it at the Gap?  Would it be funny then?

Yesterday I ran into a friend and we were discussing my blog.   She said she wanted to post a comment about my blog but didn't want to register with blogger just to comment.  This is a common complaint I have been hearing.   I am trying to set up a facebook page that is linked to my blog that will make it easier for people to comment, at least for people who are on facebook.   No one else really matters, do they?

In the meantime, she shared her thoughts about my latest blog post, and I found her thoughts interesting enough that I want to share them with you.   I hope I do her justice, if not, maybe I will inspire her to register with blogger so she can correct me :)

She said that when she read the story about my daughter and the idiot in her science class, she was left wondering about one missing tidbit of information.   She wanted to know what "color" the boy who made the offending(?) statement was, and whether or not that would matter.   In other words, is it more offensive for a white kid to say, "I can see you as a doctor because you are asian," than if another asian kid had said it.   Hmmmmm.    I asked my daughter, and she confirmed that he was indeed white.   I won't include the other adjectives she used, but you can assume that they were less than complimentary.

In my discussion with my friend, she brought up that in many groups (not just racial) it is okay to poke fun of your own people.  For example, women call each other "chicks" all the time, but if men call a group of women "chicks", they are read the riot act.   We all know that a woman can complain that she is crazy with PMS, and she can commiserate with her friends about this, but pity the man who even hints that a certain mood might be attributed to a certain time of the month.   He is a dead man for sure.

So, is it okay when one Asian says to another, "Of course you'll be a doctor, you're Asian!" (wink, wink)?   And, by allowing and contributing to this kind of behavior, are we giving the message that sometimes, in certain circumstances, racism is okay?

We were discussing this topic at dinner and it led to DD1 sharing some new information about something that had happened to her this summer.   An event that we had all heard about before, but with a new twist.

This past summer DD1 went to visit my brother and his family in Scandinavia.    When she returned home her flight arrived at the airport at the same time as a plane from Tokyo.    When she came out of customs she told me that one of the airport workers had been insisting that she should go into the foreigners line instead of the US citizens line.   She kept telling him she was American and eventually had to show him her US passport so he would let her get in the right line.     When she told me that story I was outraged.    How could someone working at the airport be so racist?   Couldn't he see that she was wearing sweats from Hollister, and a t-shirt from her high school.   She might not be white, but on that day, she was the poster girl for "typical American fifteen year old."

Yesterday at dinner, she told us for the first time, that the man who had given her such trouble was Asian.    She also said that in retrospect he was probably not working for the TSA, but for the Japanese airline that had come in at the same time as her flight.    I have to admit, this changes things for me a bit. First of all, assuming he was ethnically Japanese, it means he wasn't labeling her as an outsider by pushing her towards the foreign-born line, but instead, he was including her as one of his own.   He was being inclusive, not exclusive.   Also, if he was ethnically Japanese he might not have recognized her extremely American outfit as such.   I do think he was a bit racist, or idiotic, to not believe her the first time she told him she was American.   But, somehow this new tidbit of information made the situation seem a little less awful?

So,what is it called when someone from a certain ethnic group, makes certain assumptions based on his or her own race, is it still racism?  And, is it benign?

Racist, Idiotic, or Blissfully Ignorant?

Racism has many shades of grey (maybe 50? ha,ha ) Many things that people say are really just idiotic, and not racist at all.    For example, when people came up to me and asked if my daughter was adopted, I really don't think those people were racist, they were just insensitive nincompoops.   In fact, most of those people had a little Asian person in their lives(that their daughter, sister, aunt had adopted) that they loved very much.    They would probably be mortified if they knew how much their comments hurt me.   I think racism, and hatred in general, is more about intention.    If a girl says, "All Asian men are ugly dorks that no one wants to date!" It is intentionally mean and therefore, racist.   Unless said girl is talking about her brother.   Then, it is just an ugly sibling spat that will probably result in the girl spending some "thinking" time alone in her room.   Another category of seemingly racist people to be considered is the "blissfully ignorant".   There are some people who say things with such complete naivety that you just can't be mad or hurt.   I usually put old people and children in this category.    Children say things out of curiosity, such as "Why are your eyes like that?"   or "Do you eat lo mein every night?"    There is no malice in these questions at all.  They are just figuring out their world and want some answers.   I have always seen these as teaching moments and I try to answer kids as honestly and kindly as possible, so they will go out into the world a little more enlightened.   There are also old people.  There was a time when it was considered okay to call Asian people "Oriental".  And,  they don't always get the memo about what is the currently politically correct term so they slip and say things like "Oriental" or "Negro" or "Indian" (referring to a Native Americans).   They grew up in a different time, with different values, and sometimes it doesn't seem worth the trouble to correct them.   Does it?  Of course, there are some really mean, totally racist old people too, but that's a different story.

I am hoping to have an on-going series of posts on this blog called, "Racist, Idiotic, or Blissfully Ignorant?" where situations in these grey areas can be discussed.   I even hope people will offer some of their own experiences.   It's not going to solve any big world issues, but it might give some interesting food for thought.

For my first, "Racist, Idiotic, or blissfully ignorant?" post, I would like to discuss an episode that happened to dd2 (dear daughter 2, for those of you who know my family, I am trying to keep real names out of this blog, thank you) just yesterday.    She was in her 8th grade science class and was having fun doing an experiment with a friend.   A boy was working with them.    The girls were discussing the fact that they both wanted to be doctors when they grew up.   The boy looked at them and said to the first girl (who happened to be caucasian), "I can't see you as a doctor, you are too stupid."(ouch!) Then he turned to my daughter and said, "I guess I could see you as a doctor, after all, you are Asian."   My daughter was mildly upset by this incident.   I think she would have preferred him to say, "I guess I could see you as a doctor, after all, you are smart."     Clearly, from what he said to the first girl, this kid is a jerk.   But, is he also a racist?   This certainly doesn't fit into the blissfully ignorant category.   Or does it?