What Do You Say, Dear?

When I was a kid I had a book called "What Do You Say, Dear?" which was a children's book that posed a bunch of sort of silly ethical dilemmas with even sillier resolutions.   I don't remember them all but I do remember one where the ethical dilemma was about "What do you do when someone crashes a plane through your roof during tea time?" and I think the answer was "Well, you invite them to tea of course!"   I may be remembering this all wrong but I loved the book and the preposterous scenarios it presented along with humorous illustrations (done by none other than Maurice Sendak).

Today I was presented with a "What Do You Say, Dear?" situation that was NOT so fun and even though I am not thrilled with my response to the dilemma in question, I ultimately dealt with it in the best way I saw fit.

My refrigerator hasn't been running (so I don't have to catch it ;P).   So, I called the refrigerator repair man from a local store that we have been happily purchasing all our major appliances from for years.
The repairman shows up and he's an older gentleman (and by older I mean older than me), and he loves my dog and he makes a few bad jokes that I would put in the category of "Dad jokes".   He was an affable fellow and I felt comfortable with him in my home.  Not only that but he immediately came to the conclusion that the problem with our refrigerator was not nearly as dire as we had previously thought.   And, the fix he suggested was really quite simple, and considerably less expensive than the original estimate.  I was pleased.   He was even explaining to me, in that Dad kind of way, how fridges work, and helping me become a more educated consumer.   It was all good.

And then he asked me why I had decided to buy this particular, Korean brand of refrigerator.   Other than the fact that it was on sale at the time I didn't really have a good answer.

Then this man, this gentle, Dad-like person, started making comments that were not very kind about the Korean people or their ability to make quality products.    At one point he called the motherboard of the fridge the "Flied Lice board" and he referred to the Korean people as "those bomb droppers".   This is when my jaw dropped.

I would like to add that while he was in my house both of my daughters, who are clearly at least part Asian, walked through the kitchen and he clearly saw them.   Still the comments continued.  And, in case anyone is wondering, my daughters were not privy to his comments, if they had been, my reaction would have been much more immediate and confrontational.

But, here was my dilemma.   He was fixing my fridge, and doing a mighty fine job.   He had the capability to charge me as much as he wanted to fix it.   He also could have easily made things worse for me.   So, what is a white girl listening to his racial slurs to do?

I was a coward and did nothing.  

I let him finish his work and then said goodbye and showed him out the door.   I did not offer him any tea.

I felt sick to my stomach after he left and couldn't stop thinking of all the things I could have, should have said.    I truly believe that it is the responsibility of white people to not let this kind of elbow nudging,"we're in this together"(wink, wink) kind of behavior to go on.

After an hour or two of stewing I finally came up with a solution to my dilemma.   I called customer service at the appliance store and explained to the manager what had transpired and made it clear that kind of talk is "Not okay" in my home or anywhere for that matter.   He was nice, and said all the right things, of course, but I still feel kind of icky.   I still wish I had said something to the man who was spewing hateful words in the kitchen of my loving, interracial home.

I called my husband after the incident and asked him if I did the right thing.   He agreed that confronting him at the time could have ended badly (mostly for us).   So, he thought I did the best I could have given the circumstances.    I wondered if I wasn't married to an Asian man, and I didn't have half Asian children, if I would have done anything at all, if I would have let it go?  It sure would have been easier.

I'm really curious to hear other people's opinions about what they would have done in this situation and I hope you will share with me.   I am interested to hear the opinions of people from all different races, from families of all one race or mixed race.   Please be candid and honest.

Which brings me back to my original question "What Do You Say, Dear?"