So Much for Cheerleading

A few days ago, I went a little off topic, and mused about getting over some personal prejudices and letting my daughter be a cheerleader, if she so desired.   I even went as far as making up a fictional son, who I was ready to go to battle for and it made me see everything more clearly.   Except, this week, as fate would have it, a battle line was drawn and I'm not sure I'm willing and ready to cross.   My pom pom hungry daughter may have to find another passion to explore.

This week our little town made headlines when a football "hazing" incident was made public.   A hazing incident that happened over a month ago.   A hazing incident, that by all reports, is not really hazing, but if the non-confirmed reports are true, more likely assault, and possibly rape.   The kids involved were known bullies, one of them was even the reason for another child having no choice but to leave the school system.   But, despite their many misdeeds, they walked the halls of the school, while others fled in fear.   There are all sorts of allegations about the coaches too.   This incident happened at a camp.    These are kids.   Where were the adults when all this happened?  Why didn't they know what was going on?  Why didn't they stop it if they did? And, why aren't they being held accountable?   I know a teacher who told me that if she went on a field trip with her students and something bad happened she would expect to be fired.    Yet, from what I understand, all the coaches who were at the camp, have been actively coaching, and were at last Friday night's game.

You hear things about the "all boys club" and how administrators turn a blind eye to things going on with the football team because it is the heart and soul of the school, but you really, really hope it's not true.

There were articles about all of this in the paper.   In one article, I came across a comment that said,

Good luck getting any answers or actions from the school. I contacted the Athletic Director back in June on why he allowed the Cheer Coach to bully, degrade and terrify the CHS Cheerleaders. Other parents approached him and some of the cheerleaders even approached the Dean. Guess what.....SHE IS STILL THE CHS CHEER COACH!!!
see the whole article here

Oh.  So, now we're back to cheerleading.

Silly me, I thought the issue surrounding letting my daughter cheer was about feminism, gender roles, and, ultimately, letting my daughter pursue her dreams without judgement.

Here's the thing.    She might hate me for a while if I say she can't cheer.  She might hate me for years.
But, she will move on.   She will find lots of things that "float her boat".   She is a pretty happy kid, and she is at an age where the world is her oyster.
There is something I know through my own experiences in life and being a parent.
You don't easily get over being bullied, or degraded, or terrorized.
It follows you for a long, long time and takes many hours of work to get over, but you never forget.

That's why we expect the adults in the schools to provide a healthy environment.   And why, someone needs to be held accountable when something goes horribly wrong and when four young lives, and many more unaccounted for, are forever altered.

So, I think for now, as things stand, I will say a firm "no" to cheerleading.
I will keep her out of the lion's den. (pun intended)
I will let my daughter hate me, if she so chooses.
I will let her hate me with a beautifully intact spirit and healthy self-esteem.
It's worth it.

Real Girls

Everyone has prejudices.   Yes, even me, even you.   I'm not even talking about racism here, just some basic "He's too fat" ,"She's too loud", "She doesn't exercise enough", "He shops at <insert generic chain store>" kind of stuff.   We walk around with this all the time but every now and then it slaps us in the face and we have to deal with it.

On Friday night I was at home with dd1 while dd2 went to the local high school football game.   During the game, dd1 was checking her social media apps fairly frequently to get updated on scores, etc.  At one point she came over to me to show me a picture.   It was a picture of a football player in the foreground with a cheerleader, pom poms up, in the background.   Seems pretty ordinary, right?  It actually wasn't because that particular football player was a girl, who earned herself a spot on the team. The caption to the photo was "Who's the real girl here?"   The response was all in favor of the football playing girl, who is greatly admired at the school for her athletic ability and her tenacity.   There were even several slightly derogatory comments about the cheerleader.   DD1 and I laughed and agreed wholeheartedly with most of the comments.   How great was it that a girl was playing football?   It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling.  Go Girl power!

A couple hours later, my younger daughter came home from the game.  She had a great time (this was her first game as an official high school student) and was brimming with excitement.   Then, quite unexpectedly, she burst out with, "I think next year I might want to try out for cheerleading!"

What?

Did she really just say what I think she did?

But, didn't we just decide that "real girls" play football, and don't just stand on the sidelines and cheer?

I have to admit I was dumbstruck.  I couldn't think of anything to say good or bad.   I just kind of stood there.    My sudden muteness didn't phase dd2 and she merrily went up to bed.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a girly girl.  Before I had kids, I imagined myself with a houseful of rough and tumble boys playing football in the living room.   Of course, the universe doesn't work that way and the powers that be blessed me with two of the most delightfully feminine girls that one could have.   I couldn't love them more.   We have lived with a pink cotton candy-like aura for the past 16 years and I wouldn't have it any other way.   When they were first born I thought I could raise them as little pony tail sporting, jockish feminists who wouldn't take "girls don't do that" for an answer.   It turned out they were not athletically inclined.   From such an early age, no matter how hard I tried, their world was about sparkles, fairies, and the aforementioned PINK!  Eventually, I succumbed to it but have always managed to keep female objectification activities like beauty pageants and cheerleading off their glitter encrusted radar.   Until now.

What do I do?

I've always tried to be the parent that supports the girls in whatever activities they want to pursue.   Is cheerleading so inherently evil that I need to put the Kibosh on it?   Do I say, "No!  I won't let you!"

I gave it some thought over the weekend and came to the most startling conclusion.   I thought about how great it was that a girl was playing for the high school football team.   Then, I thought about the reverse of that, a boy cheerleader.    I know myself well enough to know that if I had a son, who was sensitive and feminine, and desperately wanted to be a cheerleader, I would fully support him, even encourage him.   I know that I would be the kind of parent who would enjoy walking into the athletic director's office and insisting that he let my son be a cheerleader and there better not be any bullying!

So, why could I do this for my non-existant, totally fabulous son but not for my very real daughter?
It's strange when you realize that your own uber "liberal" thinking has put you in a rather awkward spot.

I know I need to support her, just like I would support the fictional, possibly gay, but also possibly straight "him".    If she wants to cheer, so be it.   I'll even go to the games and watch.

As I sit here I can't help but think of that picture again, the one captioned, "Who's the real girl?"

Truth is, they are BOTH real girls.  Nothing less.  They are both on the field, both twisting and turning their bodies in support of their team, and in support of their school.   They are both pursuing their dreams, whether they are non-conformist or cliche, whether supported or.......not.

Isn't a feminist just someone who doesn't let their gender define them?   Isn't a feminist someone who pursues what she wants even if others, including overly liberal, non-conformist, but well-meaning mothers, think that a "real girl" is defined another way.    Isn't a feminist someone who doesn't take "girls don't do that!" for an answer.   Even when "that" happens to be cheerleading?

Hmmmmmmm

All I can say is,

Go Team!

Note:   After reading this after school today dd2 wanted me to add that she had told her friends at the game that she wanted to play football and they all laughed at her and told her she would get completely crushed.  Thus, the new cheerleading dream was born.