Who's a Jew? Are you?

Tonight is the beginning of Yom Kippur, which is a day of atonement for the Jews.   Those who practice the faith will fast and ask for forgiveness for their sins.

I will be eating plenty, maybe even bacon (gasp!) and might even commit a sin or two.

But, here is my secret identity:   I am half-Jewish.

So, what does that mean?

I have been trying to figure that out my whole life.

My kids are half Korean and this is obvious to the whole world.   They can't deny it.

My brother is half Jewish too (duh!) and he has blond hair and blue eyes.    He fits right into his adopted Scandinavian homeland.   His heritage doesn't make him stand out in any way.

Judaism is a religion, so how can you be half?   I don't think I have ever met a person who called themselves "half-Catholic" or "half-Muslim", so how can you be half-Jewish?   I have met many, many people who call themselves just that.    Is it a race or a religion?

I suppose they talk about the Jewish identity in Temple, but I wouldn't know, because I don't go to Temple.   Are you allowed to call yourself Jewish if you don't go to Temple?

I know people who grew up Christian, married someone Jewish, and converted.   Now they celebrate the Jewish holidays, study the Torah, and have banished the Christmas tree from their homes.   They are considered, by some standards, to be Jewish.

I am married to an Asian.   I can cook a mean Kimchi Jiggae.   I have celebrated Chusuk and the Lunar New Year.    I have worn a Hanbok.    But no one would ever consider me Asian.  "Honorasian" is the best I will ever do.

                                       


I suppose it would be easier if all Jews came from one place, like Israel.   Then, I could say I was half-Israeli.   It would separate the "people" from the religion.  However, my family came from Hungary and Austria, so it would also be a lie.  

I grew up with a Jewish grandmother (although she was, strangely, kind of anti-Semitic), and a Jewish mother.   I love bagels, lox, gefilte fish, matzoh, matzoh ball soup, latkes and noodle kugel.   I have celebrated Chanukkah and Passover. I utter familiar yiddish phrases like "Oy!" and "Vey!"    Do I qualify?

I can't read Hebrew.   I never had a Bat Mitzvah (although I do know the difference between a Bat Mitzvah and a Bar Mitzvah).    I never went to Temple as a child.    Do I fail?

My kids cannot deny their Asian heritage, they cannot hide it,  but I can.   I can choose to be one of the Chosen.   If race cannot be seen, is it still there?

I know that in my heart, I feel Jewish.   It is somewhere deep inside me, there is a connection that cannot be denied, a sense of cultural and culinary, if not religious, belonging.    So, I will call myself a Jew and if that is a sin, I am sorry.

Have a wonderful Yom Kippur!

Who said what?

Funny or offensive? 

Would it be funny if it was a gift from one Asian to another?

Would it be funny if it was a gift from a white person to an Asian friend?

What if they were selling it at the Gap?  Would it be funny then?

Yesterday I ran into a friend and we were discussing my blog.   She said she wanted to post a comment about my blog but didn't want to register with blogger just to comment.  This is a common complaint I have been hearing.   I am trying to set up a facebook page that is linked to my blog that will make it easier for people to comment, at least for people who are on facebook.   No one else really matters, do they?

In the meantime, she shared her thoughts about my latest blog post, and I found her thoughts interesting enough that I want to share them with you.   I hope I do her justice, if not, maybe I will inspire her to register with blogger so she can correct me :)

She said that when she read the story about my daughter and the idiot in her science class, she was left wondering about one missing tidbit of information.   She wanted to know what "color" the boy who made the offending(?) statement was, and whether or not that would matter.   In other words, is it more offensive for a white kid to say, "I can see you as a doctor because you are asian," than if another asian kid had said it.   Hmmmmm.    I asked my daughter, and she confirmed that he was indeed white.   I won't include the other adjectives she used, but you can assume that they were less than complimentary.

In my discussion with my friend, she brought up that in many groups (not just racial) it is okay to poke fun of your own people.  For example, women call each other "chicks" all the time, but if men call a group of women "chicks", they are read the riot act.   We all know that a woman can complain that she is crazy with PMS, and she can commiserate with her friends about this, but pity the man who even hints that a certain mood might be attributed to a certain time of the month.   He is a dead man for sure.

So, is it okay when one Asian says to another, "Of course you'll be a doctor, you're Asian!" (wink, wink)?   And, by allowing and contributing to this kind of behavior, are we giving the message that sometimes, in certain circumstances, racism is okay?

We were discussing this topic at dinner and it led to DD1 sharing some new information about something that had happened to her this summer.   An event that we had all heard about before, but with a new twist.

This past summer DD1 went to visit my brother and his family in Scandinavia.    When she returned home her flight arrived at the airport at the same time as a plane from Tokyo.    When she came out of customs she told me that one of the airport workers had been insisting that she should go into the foreigners line instead of the US citizens line.   She kept telling him she was American and eventually had to show him her US passport so he would let her get in the right line.     When she told me that story I was outraged.    How could someone working at the airport be so racist?   Couldn't he see that she was wearing sweats from Hollister, and a t-shirt from her high school.   She might not be white, but on that day, she was the poster girl for "typical American fifteen year old."

Yesterday at dinner, she told us for the first time, that the man who had given her such trouble was Asian.    She also said that in retrospect he was probably not working for the TSA, but for the Japanese airline that had come in at the same time as her flight.    I have to admit, this changes things for me a bit. First of all, assuming he was ethnically Japanese, it means he wasn't labeling her as an outsider by pushing her towards the foreign-born line, but instead, he was including her as one of his own.   He was being inclusive, not exclusive.   Also, if he was ethnically Japanese he might not have recognized her extremely American outfit as such.   I do think he was a bit racist, or idiotic, to not believe her the first time she told him she was American.   But, somehow this new tidbit of information made the situation seem a little less awful?

So,what is it called when someone from a certain ethnic group, makes certain assumptions based on his or her own race, is it still racism?  And, is it benign?

Racist, Idiotic, or Blissfully Ignorant?

Racism has many shades of grey (maybe 50? ha,ha ) Many things that people say are really just idiotic, and not racist at all.    For example, when people came up to me and asked if my daughter was adopted, I really don't think those people were racist, they were just insensitive nincompoops.   In fact, most of those people had a little Asian person in their lives(that their daughter, sister, aunt had adopted) that they loved very much.    They would probably be mortified if they knew how much their comments hurt me.   I think racism, and hatred in general, is more about intention.    If a girl says, "All Asian men are ugly dorks that no one wants to date!" It is intentionally mean and therefore, racist.   Unless said girl is talking about her brother.   Then, it is just an ugly sibling spat that will probably result in the girl spending some "thinking" time alone in her room.   Another category of seemingly racist people to be considered is the "blissfully ignorant".   There are some people who say things with such complete naivety that you just can't be mad or hurt.   I usually put old people and children in this category.    Children say things out of curiosity, such as "Why are your eyes like that?"   or "Do you eat lo mein every night?"    There is no malice in these questions at all.  They are just figuring out their world and want some answers.   I have always seen these as teaching moments and I try to answer kids as honestly and kindly as possible, so they will go out into the world a little more enlightened.   There are also old people.  There was a time when it was considered okay to call Asian people "Oriental".  And,  they don't always get the memo about what is the currently politically correct term so they slip and say things like "Oriental" or "Negro" or "Indian" (referring to a Native Americans).   They grew up in a different time, with different values, and sometimes it doesn't seem worth the trouble to correct them.   Does it?  Of course, there are some really mean, totally racist old people too, but that's a different story.

I am hoping to have an on-going series of posts on this blog called, "Racist, Idiotic, or Blissfully Ignorant?" where situations in these grey areas can be discussed.   I even hope people will offer some of their own experiences.   It's not going to solve any big world issues, but it might give some interesting food for thought.

For my first, "Racist, Idiotic, or blissfully ignorant?" post, I would like to discuss an episode that happened to dd2 (dear daughter 2, for those of you who know my family, I am trying to keep real names out of this blog, thank you) just yesterday.    She was in her 8th grade science class and was having fun doing an experiment with a friend.   A boy was working with them.    The girls were discussing the fact that they both wanted to be doctors when they grew up.   The boy looked at them and said to the first girl (who happened to be caucasian), "I can't see you as a doctor, you are too stupid."(ouch!) Then he turned to my daughter and said, "I guess I could see you as a doctor, after all, you are Asian."   My daughter was mildly upset by this incident.   I think she would have preferred him to say, "I guess I could see you as a doctor, after all, you are smart."     Clearly, from what he said to the first girl, this kid is a jerk.   But, is he also a racist?   This certainly doesn't fit into the blissfully ignorant category.   Or does it?

The new "Norm"

There are two sides to every coin.  

Racism stinks.   People say mean, hurtful things all the time and after a while it can really have an impact on your ego.

But, there are also those times, when the color of your skin gives you certain advantages.

When the girls were little there was a Chinese restaurant down the street from us.   We were regulars.   I could not believe how friendly the owners were.  We were treated like royalty every time we walked into the establishment.   The service was always fantastic, our favorite dishes were always available (even if they weren’t on that week’s menu), and at the end of the meal there were always extra fortune cookies.   When we walked into the place, I felt a little like “Norm” from Cheers.

One day I decided to take a group of friends there, to show them how great it was, and maybe to show off how well they treated me.  When we walked in, the hostess I knew so well from our family visits just stood there like she didn’t know me at all.   I gave her a big smile and a familiar “Hi!” and she replied, “How many?”

Wait.  Was this the right place?  Was this the same woman who pinched my daughters’ rosy cheeks?   Or, was this her evil twin?

“4”  I said suspiciously.

She nonchalantly showed us to our table and gave us our menus.    The restaurant wasn’t that busy but it took a while for our server to come to our table.   I knew the server.   He made silly faces at my girls, and put tiny umbrellas in their water glasses.    “What would you like?”   he asked, without a hint of recognition in his voice or his expression.

“How about the Chinese Broccoli with oyster sauce?”  I asked, it was one of my favorites.

“I’m sorry ma’am, that item is not on the menu.”  he answered, in an uncustomary formal fashion.

Really?

The rest of our lunch was unremarkable.   The food was okay but the lackluster service kind of ruined things for me.

That night I asked my husband if we had done something to upset them, like maybe not tip them enough.    He shrugged his head and said, “I don’t think so.”

Shortly after that we visited as a family again.   I was a little nervous, and told my kids to not expect the kind of treatment they were used to, but I had nothing to worry about - we were “Norm” at Cheers again.  The girls were given umbrellas in their water, and my favorite Chinese broccoli in Oyster sauce was suddenly available again.

Had I been on a trip to the Twilight Zone?

Over the next couple of years, I kind of figured things out.   When I was with my Asian family, we were absolutely given preferential treatment.   When I was alone, or with other white friends, I was nothing special.

This restaurant is not unique.   I know that when we go to Asian restaurants, especially Korean ones, we receive certain perks.   I’m sure it is the same for any ethnic restaurant.

It is a kind of reverse racism, I guess.   I could get angry.   I could get upset.   Or, I could get my Chinese broccoli in Oyster sauce and enjoy it.